Rory, Octo

Playtime is Now!

The thought escapes me...and shows up here

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Willow Pillow
I spent a good portion of the morning transferring an audio cassette to cd for my mom; it came from the man who became her 2nd husband.

Having lost both fathers within the last year, one much beloved, and one pitied and occasional despised (when I was younger), has set me thinking. 

Of course there was a fair amount of bitterness during my teen years.  That seems natural.  The fantasies of our parents getting back together (although, strangely, I never associated myself with _The Parent Trap_, even when I was young...maybe because my sister & I look nothing like Hayley Mills!), resentment at the remarriages of our parents, etc.

I like to think it didn't leave me with many of the marks that characterize "the children of divorce"; no fear of abandonment, or any inability to have a healthy relationship (so far as I can tell!).  Just a faint distaste for marriage as an institution (never for others; I'm as happy as anyone when lovely people marry one another!), and perhaps a certain impatience with wilful blindness about a bad relationship.

All of the regular things about a "blended family" are true for me; my larger family has shaped me, and each of its members is truly a part of my identity.  My brother wouldn't have existed without the divorce & remarriage; I can trace mannerisms and habits picked up from all four parents and two siblings; there are great memories that go hand-in-hand with all the awkwardness and misunderstandings, funny things like as a 3rd-grader completely forgetting the term "step-father" and therefore introducing my mom's husband innocently as "my false-father".  Oopsie.

What really struck me today, though, was the thought that I really couldn't even imagine (and I have a marvelously overactive imagination) what my nuclear family would have been like, had it stayed together.  I'd have to backtrack so far, and erase so much, that it would just become a complete work of fiction.  And I don't even want that fiction; I'm not sure I've wanted that fiction since I was a pre-teen, although I'm sure I said things to the contrary when I was upset with one parent or other!

It doesn't take away the sorrow that my parents' breakup caused, or the suffering that led up to it.  No matter how necessary, justified, or desired a divorce is, it is never, ever fun.  So, you know.  Avoid it if you can!  But if you can't, you can't.  And life goes on.

You would never think that transferring a 1970s recording of Gene Autry singing "Blueberry Hill" would dredge all that up, would you?


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